So we’re having our wedding party this weekend (more on that later.) But the synopsis of it is this: We were officially married on January 29, 2010. We have planned all along to spend our money on a party; and not on veils and altar candles.
Primarily, we wanted to have a laid-back celebration OF our family and friends. An appreciation to them for their support and love throughout the years. Then a short time of blessing for our marriage from our pastor, Eric. A prayer for us and a prayer for our children. That was very important to us – to publicly demonstrate our commitment to each other, before friends, family and God.
Scott’s entire family will be there. Aunts, uncles, brother, nieces, nephews, his daughter and her 3-year-old son. My family. My kids. Our friends. Everyone will be there…except Scott’s 13-year-old son.
I have absolutely no point of reference in this.
I am dumb-founded (not using that phrase lightly; I truly am.)
So I come to you. So often you teach me things.
I’m anxiously listening…
First, (before someone else says it first) divorce is not the perfect plan for this very reason. Especially when children are involved. This is why God talked about marriage and the importance of its sanctity.
That said, here is the situation:
Scott’s son is very involved in sports. Baseball, football, basketball…you name it.
Every weekend and during the week.
Meaning, Scott never gets to see him. Very rarely.
According to the divorce decree Scott was to request his vacation time with his kids and this year, his ex-wife had first choice. She chose July 31. So he chose the July 24th weekend. He was to put this in request before April-something. He did that.
She has sent repeated guilt texts to him telling him that he is denying his son his dream. That because of this weekend his son’s (13, remember…) coach will kick him off the team and he might not get a college scholarship if that happens……
Again, I have no point of reference. My kids were involved in a lot of things; but family was a huge priority. Not any one thing exclusively.
And who are these leagues/teams/coaches that have total control over a kid’s schedule?
Happens in the summer AND during the schoolyear.
This situation makes me:
* immeasurably angry
* immensely sad
I can’t fight it. I can’t contribute to the resolution of it. My hands are completely tied.
I just have to sit by and watch Scott’s anguish over the entire situation.
He misses his son.
When he requests the right to see him, (a 50/50 custody situation, mind you) he is continually denied the right because his son has practice. Or a game. Or, he’s told he can have him for just a few hours. The July 4th weekend is the only weekend this year Scott’s been able to have his son overnight. And he had to have them back by 6pm (ON THE 4TH OF JULY!!!…fireworks, anyone?!)
And let’s not talk about the amount Scott pays each month for child support…
It is the most unreal situation I have ever seen (just short of that time period when I watched soap operas back in the 90’s…it’s very similar to every cheesy soap scenario I’ve ever seen.)
Through this I have become aware of the HUUUUGE disparity between men and women in divorce situations. WHEN did we decide as a society that fathers are ‘less’ of a parental unit than mothers?! And when did we decide that fathers can pay for their offspring – but not have the chance to love on them as much and often as their mothers get to?! Is a father considered to have strong feelings for his child? Just as a mother has a need to care for and love her children, so does a father!!
I’m not really even talking about legal issues, as much as implied feelings. Do you know what I mean?
I’m sorry; I keep saying that…
In the end Scott has to make the decision to “ruin his son’s dream” (as his ex-wife calls it) and force his son to attend a once-in-a-lifetime family event and the blessing of his marriage – or let him go to his baseball game.
Scott’s upset about it. As he continues to be every time he wonders about his son during the day or wants to just hang out with his kids. He texts them. And that’s been the primarily extent of the relationship he’s been allowed.
I know, I know…take it to court, right?
And he is recording it with his lawyer.
But legal matters don’t change the things parents tell their children in anger.
It’s so unfair.
So immensely unfair.
I am at a total loss about it or how to support Scott through it.
I’m wondering what you’re experience and/or thoughts are about it.
Mostly, as much as I have always believed God was able to do immeasurably more than we are able to ask or think……it’s even hard for me to fathom a hard heart being softened. Ever.
But I am struggling with the belief……